Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never Actually Seen Them

THE SIMPSONS:
A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.

LOST:
A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.

MAD MEN:
A digitally remastered after school special series from the 60’s urging against the dangers of alcohol, teen pregnancy, and consumerism in a capitalist society.

Read More

TV Pilot (Title to Come): Part 1 

INT. JEWELRY STORE - AFTERNOON

Chicago. 1931.

(CHARLENE, a petite blonde in a tight pencil skirt and fitted black swing jacket, walks slowly in front of a glass case filled with jewels, her head down. She runs her index finger along the edge of the display, the center of her nails painted a dark shade of pink, the half-moon and tips a crisp white - each one filed to perfection. She taps on the glass, then lifts her head slowly and, with a small smile, catches the attention of one of the Clerks. The CLERK excuses himself from his conversation with his co-worker and a customer, ANDREW, and walks towards CHARLENE, self-consciously fiddling with the second button of his jacket. She is pretty.)

Read More

Songs That Stutterers Could Sing and Not Get Embarrassed

1) Benny & the Jets - Elton John

2) De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police

3) Movin’ Out - Billy Joel

4) Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam

5) L.O.V.E. - Ashlee Simpson

6) Come Around - M.I.A. feat. Timbaland

7) Wildcat - Ratatat

8) Stutter - Joe

9) La-La Means I Love You - Delfonics

10) Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Sad Song - Otis Redding

11) Changes - David Bowie

12) I’m Shakin’ - Rooney

(added by Travis Helwig)

13) My Generation by the Who

14) My Generation by Limp Bizkit

(added by Drew Kaufman)

15) Psycho Killer - Talking Heads

16) Any song where G-Unit refers to themselves in 3rd person

17) Any song by the Scatman.

Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On The Second Floor of a Double Decker Bus on My Way to Boston With my Slightly Higher Point of View

A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.

Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.

Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen artifact, and jumping into a mustang convertible driving at breakneck speed right beside the truck.

Several unmarked black cars surrounding one car and forcing it to take the next exit. If i knew what would happen next, I’d tell you, but they theoretically exited the highway, so I can’t. I’m sorry.

Read More

More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders.  Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.

As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning” it wasn’t one person’s fault, you know? Now I’ll admit I did start the fire, the physical fire per say, but Rudy made a lot of enemies when he revoked the unlimited wings night. I mean, that was a tradition for all of us hard working “Joes” and “Janes” but no, one little bump in the road for the economy and he goes back to the ridiculous price of 39 cents per wing. More than one person had blood on their minds.

Read More

Discussions on Climate Change

Between two penguins:

Clyde: “I’ve noticed some things are different than they used to be.”

Brad: “I’ve noticed that too. Yesterday I had a delicious fish. And today I have no fish.“

Clyde: “While this is true, I was talking about changes around us. For instance, it’s warmer than it has been previously.”

Brad: “Oh how wonderful!”

Clyde: “I must agree with you. It is wonderful.”

Brad: “When the weather is cold I get sad.“

Clyde: “Yes, I as well.”

Brad: “Also the wind can be cold. And that too makes me sad.”

Clyde: “Right again. Another change I have noticed is the water getting closer to us.“

Brad: “Oh how glorious!”

Clyde: “Yes.”

Brad: “Perhaps it’s trying to get us to swim and play in it.”

Clyde: “My thoughts as well. Though I find it strange that until recently it took no interest whether we swam in it or not.”

Brad: “Perhaps it is coming around.”

Clyde: “Yes perhaps …”

Clyde: “I wonder, though, could it one day make us sad that the cold things are no longer cold and the water is trying so hard to get us to swim in it?”

Brad: “That is absurd since these outcomes are good for us right now.”

Clyde: “You are right. When my egg turns into a baby, it will be happy by these great new developments.”

Click through for discussions between two oil men, two world leaders, & two glaciers!

Read More

Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day

Believe it or not, Michael Cera’s perpetual lament is what makes the world go round. In 2004, CERN began work on the Large Hadron Collider, a device which millions of people think will cause our imminent doom. That very year, Arrested Development premiered on FOX, introducing the world to our frumpy-boy-wonder whose endless discontent will save our globe from kismet.

Coincidence? Probably.

I still say do your part as an Earth-loving-human and keep our precious planet revolving around the sun. Here are some Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day:

Read More

The Celibacy Quiz

Does the thought of a hot and steamy romance terrify you? Isolation and solitude is what really gets your engine turning? You might be celibate. Take this quiz and find out if flying solo is your flight pattern.

1. When was the last time you were intimate with someone?

a) I’m being intimate with someone right now while taking this quiz.
b) Last Y2K.
c) Does a doctor’s visit count?

2. If you could have any job in the world, you’d be a  _______?

a) Porn Star.
b) Sexy Scientist.
c) Nun.

3. Who is your dream crush?

a) The older Jonas Brother – Tall, dreamy and he can sing!
b) George Clooney – Talented, sexy and charisma to boot.
c) Sir Isaac Newton – I admire his monastic discipline in his obsessive pursuit for scientific truths.

Read More

Some Food Rules

Dear Stephanie,

I know your probably planning some grand romantic gesture for Valentine’s Day, even though we just started dating in January. I appreciate it, I do, I just need you to know some things about me so this gesture doesn’t mess with our relationship.

Since everyone in New York knows you’re in culinary school. I assume it’s going to be a homemade dinner. Awesome but, I do not enjoy many types of food.

For one, I do not eat meat. It’s not an ethics thing or an allergy; I just do not enjoy the texture of any sort of flesh. Particularly pork. It sickens me. You’d definitely know this if we’d been on more than four dates. So no meat, which would be nothing, if not for this second complication.

Read More

Spending Valentine’s Day Alone: Kirk Larsen Interview Himself

I sat down with Melge collective member, Kirk Larsen, to interview him. It was two days before Valentine’s Day & he had no plans: he would be alone.
He won’t be drinking precisely enough wine with a woman he loves exactly as much as he hopes to (he’s twenty-two, so his hopes are that they will love one another nearly entirely: loves every inch of each other’s wrinkle-less, lithe bodies & hearts, love every word of every flirtation & argument, love every conviction & confusion, love everything, all of another).
Instead, he’ll be on a campground in upstate New York, on Melge collective member, Yoni Lotan’s film set, freezing his toes off, and working late.

We met at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport & I flew to New York with him. We spoke about a smattering of nouns & gerunds: hunting (neither of us had been), hula hooping (difficult), the nature of greed (fear), & ampersands (beautiful). Within a few moments, I could sense an unheimlich similarity between us & found myself asking more personal questions — ostensibly about him, but really about me — as our plane ascended.

Read More