Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who brings up football, for like, 30 seconds.

1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.

If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.

If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”

2. If they bring up a team that seems to no longer be in the running to win the super bowl, you need to make several important moves.

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Roman Polanski: “Whatever, haters. I’ma do me.” (A review of “Ghost Writer”)

SPOILER ALERT - By the end of this post, I will have totally ruined the ending of this movie. 

Anyone who has been lucky enough to sit through a successful long-form improv set will tell you; few theater experiences can measure up to the satisfaction of predicting a move, moments before a performer nails it in the scene. It’s a big ol’ back scratch for the intellect, to feel that are you engaged in the performance enough to be on the exact same page as the players (possibly even ahead of them, which can happen as often as not…). Now imagine that feeling, but instead of the immediate satisfaction of having your predictions realized on stage, that pleasure coming 30+ minutes after you first suspect that you “know something.” That’s what it felt like to watch “Ghost Writer.” In this case, the main prediction was that the main character, Ewan MacGregor was going to be dead by the end. Granted, this fact was overly-foreshadowed throughout the film. But what made it so satisfying is the simple fact that it happened. And in such straightforward way.

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Failed Web Series Ideas: Volume I

As major media outlets pay closer and closer attention to the internet, many are soliciting proposals for how to best utilize new media. The “Failed Web Series” series consists of some of the most seriously considered, but ultimately failed, projects.  These came to the author by way of the back channels of the internet from places such as Viacom, Disney, Fox, etc..  What follows has NOT been altered in any way… 

Title: “Thor!”

Tagline: Thor Johnson is dog’s NEW best friend.

Premise: Thor Johnson, a flamboyant licensed dog groomer in the chic and stylish Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan, has an epiphany one day while walking Scotch Pudding, his Japanese Chin: Dogs are lonely… and horny, even when they don’t have their balls.  Thor wants to open a new kind of dog grooming parlor.  One where dogs are given the five star treatment and, yes, where they might even meet that special dog they want to spend the rest of their dog years with.  Because, hey, dogs are people, too…

Script Excerpt:

INT. DOGGY GROOMING PARLOR

THOR Johnson is standing behind a doggy barber chair with a blow dryer. Seated on the chair is VANILLA, a four-year-old white Yorkie.

THOR
So I said to her, I don’t care if you’re Trouble Helmsley, everyone needs an appointment!!

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
I KNOW, she’s such a bitch… well, in more than one way- HEEEEYYYY GGGGIIIIRRRLLLLL!

Thor holds his palm out, and Vanilla high fives it.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Okay, okay, no more puns, I promise- Anyway, let’s talk about you and that dreamy English Mastiff you were out with the other night…

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Just friends? Chica, I saw what was going on. Let’s put it this way: if I was sniffing someone’s ass like that we’d be eating brunch in bed at 2:30 the next afternoon! HEEEEYYY GGGGGIIIIRRRRRLLLL!

Thor and Vanilla high five again.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Of course he’s interested! (points Vanilla at the mirror) Look at you. You’re fab-tastic! Baby, if I were 25 years younger, and a straight male dog, I’d be humping that tiny little rump all over the dog run.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
What? You need to go out? Okay, let’s go. We don’t want any poopies on Thor’s chair.

Thor straps a leash to Vanilla and they exit to the street.

Reason studio ultimately passed:

(excerpted from internal studio memo) …while the script is very strong and the premise is interesting, we find the character of Thor to be nothing revelatory.  Tom Hanks did it in “Turner and Hooch“, Jim Belushi did it in “K-9“, and so on.  Personally, I would like to see this reworked with a larger focus on the character of Vanilla- her lines just seemed to just pop off the page.  Is there anyway we can get the rights to this show for a modest fee and develop it in-house?

Future of the project: At the moment, ABC Family Channel is developing a web following for Vanilla.  If successful, the next phase is a network pilot for Fall 2011.

15 Unwritten Rules of Youth Soccer

1) Fattest kid is always the goalie

2) The best-looking kid is always a forward

3) The best player on the team is always named Manny

4) If you have long hair and wear a headband to keep it out of your face, you’re cool no matter what

5) If your mom brings oranges, it’s your fault

6) If your mom brings rice krispie treats, you have the best mom ever dude

7) You pretend that victory tunnels are “gay,” but okay whatever they’re kind of cool

8) The next three fattest kids (after the goalie) play defense

9) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a good player, it was an awesome move

10) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a crappy player, you’re selfish and just wanted to head the ball, and you should have passed it to Manny

11) We just lost the game to the other team, why do we have to high-five every single one of them

13) If you’re also on a club team, you’re a better player than the normal kids. You also have more money than them.

14) If you keep mentioning casually that you’re “also on a club team” the normal kids think you are a douchebag

15) If you have a foreign last name, they will misspell it on the trophy

Famous Last Words

Compiled with bleak! Comedy.

“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”

“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“

“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”

“Great! So we have a deal.”

“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”

“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”

“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”

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Dear Cannibal Steve

Dear Cannibal Steve,

My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?

-        Jane

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