June 2010
1 post
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May 2010
4 posts
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Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who...
1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.
If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.
If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”
2. If they bring up a team that seems to...
April 2010
6 posts
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Roman Polanski: "Whatever, haters. I'ma do me." (A...
SPOILER ALERT - By the end of this post, I will have totally ruined the ending of this movie.
Anyone who has been lucky enough to sit through a successful long-form improv set will tell you; few theater experiences can measure up to the satisfaction of predicting a move, moments before a performer nails it in the scene. It’s a big ol’ back scratch for the intellect, to feel that...
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Failed Web Series Ideas: Volume I
As major media outlets pay closer and closer attention to the internet, many are soliciting proposals for how to best utilize new media. The “Failed Web Series” series consists of some of the most seriously considered, but ultimately failed, projects. These came to the author by way of the back channels of the internet from places such as Viacom, Disney, Fox, etc.. What follows has NOT been...
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15 Unwritten Rules of Youth Soccer
1) Fattest kid is always the goalie
2) The best-looking kid is always a forward
3) The best player on the team is always named Manny
4) If you have long hair and wear a headband to keep it out of your face, you’re cool no matter what
5) If your mom brings oranges, it’s your fault
6) If your mom brings rice krispie treats, you have the best mom ever dude
7) You pretend that...
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Famous Last Words
Compiled with bleak! Comedy.
“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”
“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“
“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”
“Great! So we have a deal.”
“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”
“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”
“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”
“Don’t worry, he’s blind.”
...
March 2010
10 posts
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Dear Cannibal Steve
Dear Cannibal Steve,
My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17,...
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The Redundancy of Time by Andrew Emerson Rehm (Age...
The Redundancy of Time
by Andrew Emerson Rehm (Age One)
I’m not quite sure what the deal is but these two people keep looking at me. Watching me. Sometimes other people look at me too. Everyone’s always, I don’t know, leering. It’s just seems rude. I don’t know, if I was them I’d- TREE! THERE’S A TREE! I JUST SAW A TREE- learn some manners. But...
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Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery
I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.
However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.
Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands...
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Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never...
THE SIMPSONS: A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.
LOST: A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.
MAD MEN: A digitally remastered after school special series from the...
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February 2010
26 posts
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Songs That Make Me Want To Walk Down a Hallway in...
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There was a brief period in my life where I spent...
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TV Pilot (Title to Come): Part 1
INT. JEWELRY STORE - AFTERNOON
Chicago. 1931.
(CHARLENE, a petite blonde in a tight pencil skirt and fitted black swing jacket, walks slowly in front of a glass case filled with jewels, her head down. She runs her index finger along the edge of the display, the center of her nails painted a dark shade of pink, the half-moon and tips a crisp white - each one filed to perfection. She taps on the...
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Songs That Stutterers Could Sing and Not Get...
1) Benny & the Jets - Elton John
2) De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
3) Movin’ Out - Billy Joel
4) Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam
5) L.O.V.E. - Ashlee Simpson
6) Come Around - M.I.A. feat. Timbaland
7) Wildcat - Ratatat
8) Stutter - Joe
9) La-La Means I Love You - Delfonics
10) Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Sad Song - Otis Redding
11) Changes - David Bowie
12) I’m Shakin’ -...
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Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On...
A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.
Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.
Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen...
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More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders. Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.
As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We...
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Discussions on Climate Change
Between two penguins:
Clyde: “I’ve noticed some things are different than they used to be.”
Brad: “I’ve noticed that too. Yesterday I had a delicious fish. And today I have no fish.“
Clyde: “While this is true, I was talking about changes around us. For instance, it’s warmer than it has been previously.”
Brad: “Oh how wonderful!”
Clyde: “I must agree with you. It is wonderful.”
Brad: “When...
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Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry...
Believe it or not, Michael Cera’s perpetual lament is what makes the world go round. In 2004, CERN began work on the Large Hadron Collider, a device which millions of people think will cause our imminent doom. That very year, Arrested Development premiered on FOX, introducing the world to our frumpy-boy-wonder whose endless discontent will save our globe from kismet.
Coincidence? Probably.
I...
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The Celibacy Quiz
Does the thought of a hot and steamy romance terrify you? Isolation and solitude is what really gets your engine turning? You might be celibate. Take this quiz and find out if flying solo is your flight pattern.
1. When was the last time you were intimate with someone?
a) I’m being intimate with someone right now while taking this quiz. b) Last Y2K. c) Does a doctor’s visit count?
...
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Some Food Rules
Dear Stephanie, I know your probably planning some grand romantic gesture for Valentine’s Day, even though we just started dating in January. I appreciate it, I do, I just need you to know some things about me so this gesture doesn’t mess with our relationship. Since everyone in New York knows you’re in culinary school. I assume it’s going to be a homemade dinner. Awesome but, I do not...
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Spending Valentine's Day Alone: Kirk Larsen...
I sat down with Melge collective member, Kirk Larsen, to interview him. It was two days before Valentine’s Day & he had no plans: he would be alone. He won’t be drinking precisely enough wine with a woman he loves exactly as much as he hopes to (he’s twenty-two, so his hopes are that they will love one another nearly entirely: loves every inch of each other’s...
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Two Words in Helvetica #1
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Calm Down Ladies, I'm Not Really A Bat Out of Hell
By: Meat Loaf
This is to all the women out there that have listened to my song “Bat Out of Hell” and now think of me differently. I just want to say to all of you that I’m the same guy. Same guy here, okay. In my song I make myself out to be this crazy wild guy that just wants sex and stuff. I’m not really like that. I’m not. I’m a good...
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Ode to Produce
(after Keats and Shelley)
Ode to Produce (after Keats and Shelley) I. Ah, happy, happy baskets! that nearby hold Your onions, vidalia, chive, and shallot; And, content potatoes, unfazed, By their new above-ground resting spot; More happy love! more happy, happy love! Making hundreds of eyes with the lettuce, Some pre-washed or wet from birth Emanating chlorophyllic passion from above, Their...
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Saying Goodbye to a Stranger
Have you ever said goodbye to a stranger? I have. And I don’t mean someone you’ve just met and had a conversation with or even someone close to you at whom you’ve screamed “It’s like I don’t even know you!” after discovering something unsavory about them (secret past, two sets of genitalia, etc.)
I mean a complete stranger.
It was on the uptown A train, evening time, maybe 5:30, on a Saturday,...
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Question
If you get a handjob from a deaf girl is it considered oral sex?
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"Expectations" a short play by Travis Helwig
Lights up.
A small brooklyn apartment, exactly 10 feet wide. Paintings hang on the wall. A large bookshelf is filled with used books. A small wooden table is set for two with plates and candles. Food is getting cold. JENNIFER, 24, sits waiting. The doorbell rings. She stands suddenly and walks to the door. It’s HENRY, 25. JENNIFER: Hey it’s- HENRY: Hey, Jen I- JENNIFER:...
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A Letter To Catcallers
“And this guy like totally just yelled at me. He whistles and says like ‘hey baby’ and I was just like ew, get away from me. It was so rude. It’s like what am I, a piece of meat? I mean, I go to college. Ugh, it’s so annoying. ”
I’ve heard rants like this more times than I care to admit. Whether it’s sitting on the T, conversing at a party, or walking down the street, females everywhere go around...
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I'm Breaking Up With You Because You Eat At...
This isn’t about fighting the man. Yes, I am trying to get you to eat at one of the 50Madre and Padre burrito shacks in a 5 mile radius and yes, I do think that Chipotle is just another brick in the wall of conglomerate foods that are slowly destroying our appetites. This is about Chipotle tasting like shit.
You don’t like to experiment when it comes to food; trying something new for you usually...
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Counting Crows
Originally published on anderbo.com
By Wednesday night, your roommate, Jimmy, comes home to find you lying down, “… getting some rest.” You have a mix of Counting Crows’ angstiest hits blasting the unlit room. “A Long December” appears on the song list six times, though, in your defense, two of those times are the live version. You are bawling. Your arms are quietly flailing, trying to...
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Melge Magazine Exists!
Welcome to Melge Magazine!
Melge is a collective of comedians, writers, musicians, filmmakers, and visual artists living in New York. We see this as a way to showcase our creative projects and collaborate with each other in fun and interesting ways — like a cross between a blog, a literary magazine, a workshop, an art journal, a sketchpad, and your favorite thing ever.
We’re...
January 2010
1 post
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