Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who brings up football, for like, 30 seconds.

1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.

If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.

If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”

2. If they bring up a team that seems to no longer be in the running to win the super bowl, you need to make several important moves.

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Failed Web Series Ideas: Volume I

As major media outlets pay closer and closer attention to the internet, many are soliciting proposals for how to best utilize new media. The “Failed Web Series” series consists of some of the most seriously considered, but ultimately failed, projects.  These came to the author by way of the back channels of the internet from places such as Viacom, Disney, Fox, etc..  What follows has NOT been altered in any way… 

Title: “Thor!”

Tagline: Thor Johnson is dog’s NEW best friend.

Premise: Thor Johnson, a flamboyant licensed dog groomer in the chic and stylish Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan, has an epiphany one day while walking Scotch Pudding, his Japanese Chin: Dogs are lonely… and horny, even when they don’t have their balls.  Thor wants to open a new kind of dog grooming parlor.  One where dogs are given the five star treatment and, yes, where they might even meet that special dog they want to spend the rest of their dog years with.  Because, hey, dogs are people, too…

Script Excerpt:

INT. DOGGY GROOMING PARLOR

THOR Johnson is standing behind a doggy barber chair with a blow dryer. Seated on the chair is VANILLA, a four-year-old white Yorkie.

THOR
So I said to her, I don’t care if you’re Trouble Helmsley, everyone needs an appointment!!

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
I KNOW, she’s such a bitch… well, in more than one way- HEEEEYYYY GGGGIIIIRRRLLLLL!

Thor holds his palm out, and Vanilla high fives it.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Okay, okay, no more puns, I promise- Anyway, let’s talk about you and that dreamy English Mastiff you were out with the other night…

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Just friends? Chica, I saw what was going on. Let’s put it this way: if I was sniffing someone’s ass like that we’d be eating brunch in bed at 2:30 the next afternoon! HEEEEYYY GGGGGIIIIRRRRRLLLL!

Thor and Vanilla high five again.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Of course he’s interested! (points Vanilla at the mirror) Look at you. You’re fab-tastic! Baby, if I were 25 years younger, and a straight male dog, I’d be humping that tiny little rump all over the dog run.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
What? You need to go out? Okay, let’s go. We don’t want any poopies on Thor’s chair.

Thor straps a leash to Vanilla and they exit to the street.

Reason studio ultimately passed:

(excerpted from internal studio memo) …while the script is very strong and the premise is interesting, we find the character of Thor to be nothing revelatory.  Tom Hanks did it in “Turner and Hooch“, Jim Belushi did it in “K-9“, and so on.  Personally, I would like to see this reworked with a larger focus on the character of Vanilla- her lines just seemed to just pop off the page.  Is there anyway we can get the rights to this show for a modest fee and develop it in-house?

Future of the project: At the moment, ABC Family Channel is developing a web following for Vanilla.  If successful, the next phase is a network pilot for Fall 2011.

15 Unwritten Rules of Youth Soccer

1) Fattest kid is always the goalie

2) The best-looking kid is always a forward

3) The best player on the team is always named Manny

4) If you have long hair and wear a headband to keep it out of your face, you’re cool no matter what

5) If your mom brings oranges, it’s your fault

6) If your mom brings rice krispie treats, you have the best mom ever dude

7) You pretend that victory tunnels are “gay,” but okay whatever they’re kind of cool

8) The next three fattest kids (after the goalie) play defense

9) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a good player, it was an awesome move

10) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a crappy player, you’re selfish and just wanted to head the ball, and you should have passed it to Manny

11) We just lost the game to the other team, why do we have to high-five every single one of them

13) If you’re also on a club team, you’re a better player than the normal kids. You also have more money than them.

14) If you keep mentioning casually that you’re “also on a club team” the normal kids think you are a douchebag

15) If you have a foreign last name, they will misspell it on the trophy

Famous Last Words

Compiled with bleak! Comedy.

“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”

“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“

“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”

“Great! So we have a deal.”

“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”

“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”

“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”

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Dear Cannibal Steve

Dear Cannibal Steve,

My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?

-        Jane

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Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.

However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.

Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of individual plots into one large grave, upon which we will place a shit load of soil.

This will save space and time. And that savings will be passed onto you.

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Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never Actually Seen Them

THE SIMPSONS:
A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.

LOST:
A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.

MAD MEN:
A digitally remastered after school special series from the 60’s urging against the dangers of alcohol, teen pregnancy, and consumerism in a capitalist society.

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TV Pilot (Title to Come): Part 1 

INT. JEWELRY STORE - AFTERNOON

Chicago. 1931.

(CHARLENE, a petite blonde in a tight pencil skirt and fitted black swing jacket, walks slowly in front of a glass case filled with jewels, her head down. She runs her index finger along the edge of the display, the center of her nails painted a dark shade of pink, the half-moon and tips a crisp white - each one filed to perfection. She taps on the glass, then lifts her head slowly and, with a small smile, catches the attention of one of the Clerks. The CLERK excuses himself from his conversation with his co-worker and a customer, ANDREW, and walks towards CHARLENE, self-consciously fiddling with the second button of his jacket. She is pretty.)

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Songs That Stutterers Could Sing and Not Get Embarrassed

1) Benny & the Jets - Elton John

2) De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police

3) Movin’ Out - Billy Joel

4) Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam

5) L.O.V.E. - Ashlee Simpson

6) Come Around - M.I.A. feat. Timbaland

7) Wildcat - Ratatat

8) Stutter - Joe

9) La-La Means I Love You - Delfonics

10) Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Sad Song - Otis Redding

11) Changes - David Bowie

12) I’m Shakin’ - Rooney

(added by Travis Helwig)

13) My Generation by the Who

14) My Generation by Limp Bizkit

(added by Drew Kaufman)

15) Psycho Killer - Talking Heads

16) Any song where G-Unit refers to themselves in 3rd person

17) Any song by the Scatman.

Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On The Second Floor of a Double Decker Bus on My Way to Boston With my Slightly Higher Point of View

A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.

Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.

Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen artifact, and jumping into a mustang convertible driving at breakneck speed right beside the truck.

Several unmarked black cars surrounding one car and forcing it to take the next exit. If i knew what would happen next, I’d tell you, but they theoretically exited the highway, so I can’t. I’m sorry.

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More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders.  Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.

As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning” it wasn’t one person’s fault, you know? Now I’ll admit I did start the fire, the physical fire per say, but Rudy made a lot of enemies when he revoked the unlimited wings night. I mean, that was a tradition for all of us hard working “Joes” and “Janes” but no, one little bump in the road for the economy and he goes back to the ridiculous price of 39 cents per wing. More than one person had blood on their minds.

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Discussions on Climate Change

Between two penguins:

Clyde: “I’ve noticed some things are different than they used to be.”

Brad: “I’ve noticed that too. Yesterday I had a delicious fish. And today I have no fish.“

Clyde: “While this is true, I was talking about changes around us. For instance, it’s warmer than it has been previously.”

Brad: “Oh how wonderful!”

Clyde: “I must agree with you. It is wonderful.”

Brad: “When the weather is cold I get sad.“

Clyde: “Yes, I as well.”

Brad: “Also the wind can be cold. And that too makes me sad.”

Clyde: “Right again. Another change I have noticed is the water getting closer to us.“

Brad: “Oh how glorious!”

Clyde: “Yes.”

Brad: “Perhaps it’s trying to get us to swim and play in it.”

Clyde: “My thoughts as well. Though I find it strange that until recently it took no interest whether we swam in it or not.”

Brad: “Perhaps it is coming around.”

Clyde: “Yes perhaps …”

Clyde: “I wonder, though, could it one day make us sad that the cold things are no longer cold and the water is trying so hard to get us to swim in it?”

Brad: “That is absurd since these outcomes are good for us right now.”

Clyde: “You are right. When my egg turns into a baby, it will be happy by these great new developments.”

Click through for discussions between two oil men, two world leaders, & two glaciers!

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Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day

Believe it or not, Michael Cera’s perpetual lament is what makes the world go round. In 2004, CERN began work on the Large Hadron Collider, a device which millions of people think will cause our imminent doom. That very year, Arrested Development premiered on FOX, introducing the world to our frumpy-boy-wonder whose endless discontent will save our globe from kismet.

Coincidence? Probably.

I still say do your part as an Earth-loving-human and keep our precious planet revolving around the sun. Here are some Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day:

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