Famous Last Words

Compiled with bleak! Comedy.

“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”

“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“

“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”

“Great! So we have a deal.”

“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”

“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”

“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”

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Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never Actually Seen Them

THE SIMPSONS:
A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.

LOST:
A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.

MAD MEN:
A digitally remastered after school special series from the 60’s urging against the dangers of alcohol, teen pregnancy, and consumerism in a capitalist society.

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Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On The Second Floor of a Double Decker Bus on My Way to Boston With my Slightly Higher Point of View

A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.

Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.

Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen artifact, and jumping into a mustang convertible driving at breakneck speed right beside the truck.

Several unmarked black cars surrounding one car and forcing it to take the next exit. If i knew what would happen next, I’d tell you, but they theoretically exited the highway, so I can’t. I’m sorry.

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Counting Crows

Originally published on anderbo.com

By Wednesday night, your roommate, Jimmy, comes home to find you lying down, “… getting some rest.” You have a mix of Counting Crows’ angstiest hits blasting the unlit room. “A Long December” appears on the song list six times, though, in your defense, two of those times are the live version. You are bawling. Your arms are quietly flailing, trying to find a comfortable position. Writhing in your hand with motion sickness is Evan Williams—or at least his face on a bottle of his branded Single Barrel Kentucky Bourbon. Jimmy is still in the doorway, trying not to laugh, but petrified.

“Uh. Hey,” he tries.

You try not to look as dumb as you know you look. You swallow, “I just can’t…” in the form of mucus, which loses a very violent fight with your throat before it drops into your Pit Of Emptiness, and you mumble, “… get out of thisrut, you know?” Your blank look compliments your heavy panting quite well.

Jimmy is a deer caught in the helicopter spotlights of a SWAT team slowly closing in. His mouth sneaks open so as not let the rest of him notice. His eyes try to run away but they hear the ready-to-shoot “click” from your eyes, unflinching and desperate. Jimmy can’t move, so he plays as dumb as you look. “Work? Ehehh… midterms ’n’ stuff gettin ya? Ehehh….” He is still frozen. The weight of his backpack goes unnoticed.

“So much work. Ya. Soooo much work,” you say. “Ha… other stuff too though….”

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