Darren Miller
Kevin Mead
Kirk Larsen
Melge Magazine
Andrew Ford
Dan Levine
Dan Schoenbrun
Drew Kaufman
Erin Shea
Glenn Boozan
Katy DiSavino
Mark Vigeant
Mike Antonucci
Mike Falzone
Paul Briganti
Peggy O'Leary
Phil Comics
Steven Levine
Travis Helwig
Yoni Lotan
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day: DOUBLE TROUBLE EDITION
Werner von Haeften & Count Claus von Stauffenberg
Target: Hitler!
“Jury’s” Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to death by firing squad.
Our Verdict: Their coup d’état was unsuccessful? Oh… hey, baby don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys. No, really, I’m not judging you, it’s totally fine. You’re just over-thinking it, it’s okay.
1) Fattest kid is always the goalie
2) The best-looking kid is always a forward
3) The best player on the team is always named Manny
4) If you have long hair and wear a headband to keep it out of your face, you’re cool no matter what
5) If your mom brings oranges, it’s your fault
6) If your mom brings rice krispie treats, you have the best mom ever dude
7) You pretend that victory tunnels are “gay,” but okay whatever they’re kind of cool
8) The next three fattest kids (after the goalie) play defense
9) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a good player, it was an awesome move
10) If you get a header at some point in the game and you’re usually a crappy player, you’re selfish and just wanted to head the ball, and you should have passed it to Manny
11) We just lost the game to the other team, why do we have to high-five every single one of them
13) If you’re also on a club team, you’re a better player than the normal kids. You also have more money than them.
14) If you keep mentioning casually that you’re “also on a club team” the normal kids think you are a douchebag
15) If you have a foreign last name, they will misspell it on the trophy
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day
Rameau Sokoudjou (aka “The African Assassin”)
Target: Unworthy opponents.
Jury’s Verdict: Aaaaaaannndd… HE’S OUT COLD, FOLKS
Our Verdict: He’s photoshopped next to a lion. He. Is. Photoshopped. Next. To. A. Lion.
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day
Fritz Joubert Duquesne
Target: He snuck onto a boat that Lord Kitchener (a British Field Marshall) was sailing on, and destroyed it. I repeat: he DESTROYED a BOAT.
Jury’s Verdict: He was awarded an iron cross for his services.
Our Verdict: Okay, can we talk about this for a second: he was a soldier, a prisoner of war, a big game hunter, a journalist, a stockbroker, a saboteur, a spy, an adventurer, a war correspondent, he once escaped from prison using only an iron spoon, his codename was “The Black Panther,” he used to charm daughters of high-ranking officials into getting him information, and he was hunted regularly by the FBI. Seriously? No, really, seriously?
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day
Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme
Target: President Gerald Ford (unsuccessful, the gun was loaded improperly. women.)
Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to life in prison in 1975.
Our Verdict: She’s still alive!!! GO FOR IT
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Songs That Make Me Want To Walk Down a Hallway in Slow Motion
Time Period: 70’s
Hallway: Adult film company’s production office
1) Benny & the Jets - Elton John
2) De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da - The Police
3) Movin’ Out - Billy Joel
4) Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye - Steam
5) L.O.V.E. - Ashlee Simpson
6) Come Around - M.I.A. feat. Timbaland
7) Wildcat - Ratatat
8) Stutter - Joe
9) La-La Means I Love You - Delfonics
10) Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa Sad Song - Otis Redding
11) Changes - David Bowie
12) I’m Shakin’ - Rooney
(added by Travis Helwig)
13) My Generation by the Who
14) My Generation by Limp Bizkit
(added by Drew Kaufman)
15) Psycho Killer - Talking Heads
16) Any song where G-Unit refers to themselves in 3rd person
17) Any song by the Scatman.
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day
Giuseppe Zangara
Target: Franklin Delano Roosevelt (unsucessful due to lack of height… he was only 5 feet tall). Ended up fatally wounding Chicago mayor Anton Cermak instead.
Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by electric chair in 1933.
Our Verdict: this Italian stallion gives New Meaning to “Old Sparky.”
“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day
Lewis Thornton Powell
Target: US Secretary of State William H. Seward (unsuccessful), and Lincoln co-conspirator.
Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by hanging in 1865
Our Verdict: meow.
“And this guy like totally just yelled at me. He whistles and says like ‘hey baby’ and I was just like ew, get away from me. It was so rude. It’s like what am I, a piece of meat? I mean, I go to college. Ugh, it’s so annoying. ”
I’ve heard rants like this more times than I care to admit. Whether it’s sitting on the T, conversing at a party, or walking down the street, females everywhere go around whining about getting whistled at. However, I feel compelled to ask these ladies… why? Why have you taken such a pure, unbiased, positive form of personal expression and warped its intentions to make it seem like some attack on all female-kind?
