1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.
If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.
If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”
2. If they bring up a team that seems to no longer be in the running to win the super bowl, you need to make several important moves.
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Compiled with bleak! Comedy.
“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”
“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“
“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”
“Great! So we have a deal.”
“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”
“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”
“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”
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Dear Cannibal Steve,
My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?
- Jane
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I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.
However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.
Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of individual plots into one large grave, upon which we will place a shit load of soil.
This will save space and time. And that savings will be passed onto you.
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THE SIMPSONS:
A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.
LOST:
A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.
MAD MEN:
A digitally remastered after school special series from the 60’s urging against the dangers of alcohol, teen pregnancy, and consumerism in a capitalist society.
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A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.
Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.
Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen artifact, and jumping into a mustang convertible driving at breakneck speed right beside the truck.
Several unmarked black cars surrounding one car and forcing it to take the next exit. If i knew what would happen next, I’d tell you, but they theoretically exited the highway, so I can’t. I’m sorry.
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Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders. Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.
As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning” it wasn’t one person’s fault, you know? Now I’ll admit I did start the fire, the physical fire per say, but Rudy made a lot of enemies when he revoked the unlimited wings night. I mean, that was a tradition for all of us hard working “Joes” and “Janes” but no, one little bump in the road for the economy and he goes back to the ridiculous price of 39 cents per wing. More than one person had blood on their minds.
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