“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day: DOUBLE TROUBLE EDITION

Werner von Haeften & Count Claus von Stauffenberg

Target: Hitler!

“Jury’s” Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to death by firing squad.

Our Verdict: Their coup d’état was unsuccessful? Oh… hey, baby don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys. No, really, I’m not judging you, it’s totally fine. You’re just over-thinking it, it’s okay.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Rameau Sokoudjou (aka “The African Assassin”)

Target: Unworthy opponents.

Jury’s Verdict: Aaaaaaannndd… HE’S OUT COLD, FOLKS

Our Verdict: He’s photoshopped next to a lion. He. Is. Photoshopped. Next. To. A. Lion.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Fritz Joubert Duquesne

Target: He snuck onto a boat that Lord Kitchener (a British Field Marshall) was sailing on, and destroyed it. I repeat: he DESTROYED a BOAT.

Jury’s Verdict: He was awarded an iron cross for his services.

Our Verdict: Okay, can we talk about this for a second: he was a soldier, a prisoner of war, a big game hunter, a journalist, a stockbroker, a saboteur, a spy, an adventurer, a war correspondent, he once escaped from prison using only an iron spoon, his codename was “The Black Panther,” he used to charm daughters of high-ranking officials into getting him information, and he was hunted regularly by the FBI. Seriously? No, really, seriously?

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme

Target: President Gerald Ford (unsuccessful, the gun was loaded improperly. women.)

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to life in prison in 1975.

Our Verdict: She’s still alive!!! GO FOR IT

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Giuseppe Zangara

Target: Franklin Delano Roosevelt (unsucessful due to lack of height… he was only 5 feet tall). Ended up fatally wounding Chicago mayor Anton Cermak instead.

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by electric chair in 1933.

Our Verdict: this Italian stallion gives New Meaning to “Old Sparky.”

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“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Lewis Thornton Powell

Target: US Secretary of State William H. Seward (unsuccessful), and Lincoln co-conspirator.

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by hanging in 1865

Our Verdict: meow.